may was an interesting month. its hard to even know where to begin with may, perhaps i will start with the fact that i started to see robbie again. i was so hesitant but i had missed him and i just let him back in. It was really easy to do, and I even agreed to go on a date with him. our first date was really nice, but our date ended unexpectantly when we got word (while we were on our date) that his brother had passed away. there are so many thoughts that i have about this night, too many to really say on just a little blog. That was a time that i felt we bonded all over again, naturally. robbie attended my graduation and even helped me move in. things were so great during those days and even as he was hurting he helped me with preparing for finals and pushing me to be better. i remember him coming to help me move in looking so handsome and he had roses in his hand and i felt so special that day.
i went to san diego, which was a ton of fun with my friend alex, but that fun was halted when i passed out in the bathroom after getting dehydrated from the WORST sunburn in my life and hyperextended my arm. the crazy part is i wasn't feeling good the night before and i barely ate dinner so I think my body was just way out of whack.things started to fade with robbie, it was so odd how when either one of us were in a different city things just didn't seem to click. when we were together it was good, but when we were apart things just weren't right. It was so emotionally draining to go on the rollercoaster of my emotions, I was high and low, and communication kept breaking down like it used to and I just realized we were in a never ending carousel, and I just didn't want to do that anymore. I was challenged even by the little girl i mentor who asked me, "if you were so sure about breaking up with him the first time why are you even trying again"...well thats a great question. it is so silly because i have always said, if it doesn't work out the first time it probably wont work out again...i tell people this all the time, but i guess its so hard to just let go of someone who has become one of your best friends and someone that you honestly saw a future with. I guess i have hope, and hoped that my/our story would be different. we had a couple more discussions about our relationship and our expectations, but part of it was just too late... Since then, I have cried less (about that anyway)...
so then i was living alone and started work full time. i can honestly say with those two things and the combination of not talking to robbie, those first two months, pretty much the entire summer, were the loneliest days i have ever faced. Even in mexico, where I knew NO ONE, i didn't feel as lonely. I would sit in my apartment, so sad when people would blow me off, cancel on our hang outs, not include me. I cried and cried. I know that in these times I would cry out to God, just wanting him to be my ultimate satisfaction, and the friend that I needed. Some days he was my comforter, other days I felt like he was so distant. I started going to new things and being with my parents and my sister, which was fun, but it is rough. It probably wouldnt have been so bad that my friends were non-existant if i didn't feel alone at work and alone at home. People that I thought were my friends got wrapped up in their own lives and some treated me so condescendingly when they reached new stages of life. People that I had been there for seemed to have failed me when I needed them. I am sure I have done that to people many times,but this time I felt it for myself, and it SUCKS.
My work has been one of the most challenging tasks I have taken on in a while. I have had to study for a certification exam, and I have failed twice. Never in my life have I felt like such a failure. Branching into a new industry, and taking over a job that had no continuity for me was SO difficult, and studying time and again the same material only to find out you did it wrong the first time and were so close the second time is just SO disappointing. working with only women and a manager who is nothing like anyone you have ever worked for is just an adjustment that plays with you emotions. i always thought i was that tough corporate girl who could control her emotions at work, well that has proven to be wrong yet again. i come home and cry because all the things aren't right at work. however, i am thankful everyday that I have a job in this economy, that the Lord has provided for me beyond i could ever imagine, and even working with a few christians has been so great. i have to keep these things in my mind everyday as i go to work, because it is a challenge for sure. i have to be in constant prayer for strength to get through the day and the wisdom to do my job and i have to just remember that my work is ultimately for the lord.
my heart was broken again when a beloved friend of mine's little brother passed away (in the very same unexpected way as robbie's brother) in early august. my heart ached for weeks and still aches when I think about all my friend(s) are going through. life is incredibly short and precious. within this last year i have been reminded of how sweet family can be. they are there no matter what through thick and thin. i've also realized that family is not just your relatives. my family goes beyond that. my prayers continue long after people continue on with their lives. i am remembering you.
it is now the end of september, early october--
I look back and in the beginning of january i said i wanted to experience God in new ways, that I wanted to grow closer to him. Well I think that is definitely happening, in the midst of all my concerns and crying all the time. This year I am broken. I am surrendered. I can't do anything on my own, I need the strength of my savior EVERY SINGLE DAY. In the last couple months, literally, I've cried for my friends that are hurting, i've cried for the homeless man that I saw on the side of the street, i've cried when i am sitting in church, i've cried out for youth who desire purpose and love, i've cried for a hurting world. i cry because i am weak, i cry because i want to do more, i cry because i fail, but in the midst of sadness i cry tears of joy because Jesus has redeemed my life and I have hope. I have so much more that I want to do with my life, and all of my issues with my job and my loneliness are so trivial and I am determined to make more of each of my days, make each day count because I have a bigger purpose than just myself and my 8-5 job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5X5O6DMJtY0&feature=related
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